Choices of the Undead
by Rain22
Summary: Chap 7 is up!Everything is going pretty much ok for Suze.Then she meets what seems to be Jesse's identical twin.Then Jesse has to go away.Forever.She is offered choices that could change her entire life.Set after Haunted.Plz!R&R!
1. Chances,Choices,Changes

"Oh look at that rad top!" I exclaimed as I pointed to an Express top for CeeCee to observe. We were at the mall browsing.CeeCee had just gotten some money for her birthday. But then all the sudden she stops looking at the top, gasps and pokes me hard. Then says softly,"Look at the eye candy that just walked in."  
  
I look up and gasp too. But I gasp only in recognition."Jesse?" I manage to croak out softly.CeeCee doesn't hear me. My mind races. Why was he here.Wait,how could CeeCee see him!?Now I was thoroughly confused. But the shock was soon lost when 'Jesse' came right up to us after a minute of deciding.  
  
"Hi," the Jesse impersonator said. I'm looking for Barnes&Nobles,can you tell me where it is?" I very quickly realized it wasn't Jesse when: A) He didn't recognize me and rush to me the minute he saw me. B) He didn't have his sexy Spanish hint of accent.  
  
He was clearly a New Yorker. Which I realized right away when he had first opened his mouth. I knew when he had done so CeeCee hadn't understood a word he had said. But I did. This guy was totally hott.And looked soo much like Jesse, who currently, has been avoiding me like I had that dreaded poison oak ever since that kiss in the cemetary,so you can't blame me for I said next, "Um...I'm not quite sure how to tell you where it is so why don't we just show you??" "OK that would be great," he complied, "I'm Jamie," he said offering his hand and smiling. "I'm Susannah," giving him my best smile in return. "And I'm CeeCee." CeeCee bumped in and said.  
  
As we walked to the bookstore I asked him, "So how long been in California from New York?" Jamie looked genuinely baffled for just a moment. "How did you know?" Then thought about it quickly and answered. "I just moved here." He still looked a bit puzzled so I offered an explanation. "Your accent, your from Brooklyn right?" "Yeah," he replied. But then quickly recovered."How long have you been in California from New York?" he retorted. "Almost two years," I replied. ''Hmmm...I've been here about three weeks. Its a pretty nice place,'' he said. "Yeah I like it alot." Some reasons not mentioned such as a certain person who lives with me in my room.  
  
We talked on for awhile. And by the time we got to the store he had managed to get my number and permission to go out with me that next Saturday.  
  
***  
  
"OK Simon, what's the deal?" I looked at CeeCee startled."Huh,what do you mean?" I inquired. "You know what I mean Suze." We were in Mrs.Webb's car on the way to drop me off from the mall.  
  
"CeeCee haven't the slightest clue to what your talking about, would you please tell me?" She emitted a growl and explained. "You were all over that Jamie guy!I thought you had Jesse!" Oops.But in my defense, I was not all over Jamie. But its not like I had exactly told her about Jesse or anything else. She totally guessed. And technically Jesse wasn't mine. And I was able to date freely if I wanted. I told her so to. She let the subject drop for now. But slowly I felt the guilt wash over me.  
  
*** 


	2. The News

Ok, so I totally know it's wrong to go out with another guy. I mean, I am completely in love and devoted to Jesse, but the thing is, I was beginning to think he wasn't all that interested in me anymore. Paranoid I know, but I can't help having a nagging feeling in the back of my mind. I mean, was there something wrong with the way I kissed? Or with me in general? I had hardly talked to him since that day in the cemetery. And I had a general feeling he wouldn't be calling me querida for awhile. You wouldn't think someone like Jesse would hide from me just becuase of a kiss. Just so he could hide his feelings and all. Wait, Jesse is not all that open in the first place. What do I have to worry about him sharing his feelings?  
  
But let me tell you, there's a reason why Spike is staying out all night to stalk small to medium sized mammals. And it's not because he prefers spending time with me.  
  
So technically, if we weren't a couple-and he didn't want to talk to me-can you really blame me for wanting a normal date with a normal guy? Can you? I think not. But I still felt sorta guilty nonetheless. Would Jesse do this to me? Go out and find another otherworldly hottie` to have some fun with? No, of course not. He's too nice and gentlemanly. And that's why I felt so bad.  
  
So of course, the last thing I wanted was to talk to Jesse when I came home that evening. Which is why I completely avoided his eye contact and headed straight for my bed. "Hello Susannah," the ghost on my window seat said. Still not looking him in the eye, "Oh, hi Jesse." Was my brilliant reply. Oh yes I'm a genius. Mastermind of words. Right. "How was your day?" he asked. Conveniatly not mentioning his twin Jamie, I said, "It was good. Went to the mall with CeeCee, she got some clothes and stuff you know. I had fun. Oh and I found this really cute top that was..- " Great...babbling...again.How wonderful it is to be Susannah Simon. Who can't even keep a decent conversation with her would-be boyfriend, besides the fact that he's a ghost and no one else would believe I had a boyfriend and think I was just weird and lonely...Yeah,just great.  
  
But what I-of all things-did not expect Jesse to say was what he said next."Susannah,I have spoken with Father Dominic, and we both agree and think it is the best that when I move to the rectory we really not see each other again." I gaped at him.Literally.I know my jaw must have hung open too. I loved Jesse, could I take never seeing him again? All the time knowing how close he was. I know he must at least felt something for me deep down. We are friends. And are close-though I'm always wishing for more of a torrid affair than friendship-if we were even friends, how could he do this to me? I asked myself that alot awhile after he told me upsetting piece of information. But how can he be so cruel? Doesn't he feel anything...?  
  
True, I had a date with some guy next week but that didn't mean I didn't still love Jesse! I would drop Jamie in an instant if Jesse showed any hint of emotion for me!  
  
I debated which would come first, the tears or the anger. Because right now I had a sudden urge to let the tears forming in my eyes to come flooding out. Then again I also had an urge to go yell in his face and ask him why WHY did he do this to me? Then maybe satisfyingly sock him in the stomach.  
  
But right when I look up, I knew he had made my decision for me, because he whispered, " I'm sorry," and disappeared. 


	3. The First Mistake

(A/N:Ok really sorry this is another short chapter guys.I try my bestest to make them longer. But I already have up to Chap.6 I will write longer chapters later though I totally promise! But since there not long chapters I will update faster to keep my reviewers happy! ^_^ )  
  
As soon as Jesse left the tears came. I knew they would. But what surprised me the most was the exact moment he left, boom I'm crying monsoons. I'm not sure how long I cried. But I knew David had come up and told me it was time for dinner and took one look at me and left to tell my Mom that I didn't feel well and wasn't in the mood to eat right now. When I thought I was through, I got up and took a very long, very hot shower. Long hot showers solve everything, that is, until you get out of them.  
  
When I was finally done and changed I got ready for bed. I didn't care how early it was-or that I had tons of homework to do-I was going to bed to sleep away this assiduously cruel and unforgiving world. Thankfully I didn't dream about anybody. Not one about Jesse-or Paul, thank God-at all.  
  
As I got up that Sunday morning, the mood had drastically changed. Well, my mood had changed anyway. If Jesse wanted to move out for good, fine If he never wanted to see me again-which meant he didn't love me, never did, and certainly never will love me-that's more than fine.  
  
Then why did I seem to almost burst into tears at those wretched thoughts?  
  
NO. I have a date with totally hott guy next Saturday. Besides the fact that they look so much alike that I might burst into tears during a perfectly nice meal.  
  
So why should I care if Jesse never wants to see me again? 'Because you love him that's why' was what a little voice in my head announced. Great, now I hear voices. If it's not bad enough that I see, talk to,punch,and kiss the dead,-only kissing Jesse but still-now I hear voices too. Goody.  
  
I'm going to wallow in my,sad,pitiful misery now thanks.  
  
OK so can you blame me for what I did next? Given the fact that the next course of action I took was the most brainless,pathetic,moronic thing I have ever done, I was lonely OK. Yes, I completely regret it though.  
  
You guessed it. I called Paul Slater. 


	4. The Truth

(A/N: Thanks to all my reviewers! It brightens my day when I read a new review. That's why I so hungrily attack the mailbox when I get online and it says new mail.Hehe.But one big shoutout to Aestas, my inspiration!LOL.But also a big shoutout to bunny girl, I really love your story and I felt so horrible about my review! But I just had to tell you! Once again love your story. But anyway, plz review and tell me what you think. And guess what its pretty long! Hehe, genies9 made me do it. See guilt trips DO work! Well, I have up to chapter 7 now. And there LONG if I don't say so myself. So it might be awhile before I post them because I don't type fast! But oh yes I must say, genies9 I read your other stories, and loved them, especially the end of umm...the last completed one where Suze and Jesse well, got married. Um yeah, the part about Jesse was gentle and all that yeah. I freaked. But I loved it. I cracked up SO! hard. But this is becoming long so I'm gonna go now. Thanks and review!*cough*rhiannon*cough*)  
  
Chap. 4  
Ok, no I do not have a death wish, let's get that straight. But you know I felt so declasse and forlorn. And I mean, I didn't have Jamie's number, so what else could I do?  
  
Of course I didn't tell Paul the REAL reason why I called and asked to talk to him today. Oh no. I simply stated I wanted one of our shifting "lessons" to be today. And of course he agreed.  
  
So I asked Jake to drive me to the park where I agreed to meet Paul at. Hey, if I'm gonna talk to him, it's gonna be in public. Desperate and needy I may be, but I am not stupid.  
  
He told me a bit about the whole shifting process-which was only mildly interesting since I planned never to go near that Shadowland again from a certain Dr.Slaski's warning-telling me some do's and don'ts about shifting. But I had a feeling none of these tips would ever become helpful for me. Since I never intended to shift again.  
  
So I asked about the thing that made me agree to this whole arrangement in the first place.  
  
"Paul, tell me about soul transference."  
  
"Suze, when are you going to learn? I'm not going to tell you about soul transference for a long while. If I do you will have no need to have this lessons, you and I both know that."  
  
Well, yeah, I knew that, but I wasn't going to let on that I did.  
  
"No, really Paul, I just want to know, it sounds so interesting. Why won't you just tell me?!" Ok I was getting angry now.  
  
"Unless you intend to spend more time with me in another way, such as a date, then we will talk about soul transference when I bring the subject about."  
  
Ok, now I was just down right mad. As if I would go on a date willingly with him! But I couldn't stop these lessons because then he might try to do something to Jesse again. And no matter how mad I was at him right now I couldn't bring myself to do that.  
  
But damn my hormones, they wouldn't let me leave the male comfort of Paul just yet.  
  
My 3 stepbrothers just didn't understand. Or rather couldn't or wouldn't understand. I'm sure David would of tried to help-and only made it worse. But Brad would have most likely told me where to shove it. As if I would go to him anyway. And Sleepy would of been, well sleeping considering it was a Sunday.  
  
So as much as the thought of Paul made me recoil in disgust, I needed to be around him too.Gah, sometimes being a teenage girl just sucks. Besides the fact that I'm a mediator and I'm in love with a ghost.  
  
So, as wrong as it might sound, a part of me wanted Paul to wrap his big arms around me and just hold and console me. But the other part of me, the bigger part actually, wanted to get the heck outta there and run to Father Dom and completely rag on him about how unfair the whole thing was.  
  
And then it all clicked. No matter how hott and delectable Paul looked, it was all a facade. And that you couldn't really tell just how evil he really was from his looks. Well, at the moment anyway. And even though I still had to go through with these transgressional lessons from Paul, I needed to know what the deal was with Jesse, NOW. And I did NOT need the comfort of Paul. God knows he would want more than to comfort me.  
  
So, of course, the bigger part of me won. So slowly and cautiously, so as to not let Paul know I couldn't stand another minute with him, I said, "Um...Paul, I've gotta go now. I forgot I told my Mom I would help her uh- ...go grocery shopping. So, see you at school tomorrow, ok?Umm...thanks for the uh..- lesson."  
  
And with all the dignity I could from practically running to the park entrance, I got out of there FAST, ignoring Paul's shouts from behind me, I headed for the Mission Academy.  
  
OK, so with no one to drive me to the Mission I had to walk in the sun, with unbearably hot climates for the growing evening. And in my Wet Seal top and Hollister capris, it didn't feel so great to be let me tell you. Luckily, my shoes were comfy and well worn in-and it wasn't a very long walk from the park to the Mission.  
  
But while I walked, I had time to think. And, as it turned out, that can be a fately violently ending thing for me to do. Because, as I thought- about Jesse and his sudden recoil and disdain for being near me-I got very angry. And also very hurt. Those are two emotions proved not mixed well for Susannah Simon.  
  
So, I was either going to end up bawling to Father Dom., again, or I was going to get very angry. I opted for the latter. I am not a very domestic person when angry and hurt are mixed. As I proved to Maria De Silva when she exorcised Jesse.  
  
But finally I finished my unruly hot trek to the Mission Academy. And then went straight to Father Dominic's office. 


	5. The Loss

(A/N: Thanks to everyone who reviewed! It makes me happy when ya'll do! *shivers* the guilt trip worked again and I decided to type another chapter.But I feel sluggish.*Puts on right-out-of-dryer Old Navy pants and sweatshirt, perks up BIG TIME* Ahh, sweet simplicity. Ok if anybody has ANY ideas on how to make my story longer, PLZ suggest them. I tried and tried and I made it longer like 3 times. And yet you people think its to short! It takes up 4 pages or 5 when I write it but when I type it out it magically gets ALOT shorter, no how many times I make the font bigger to make me happy.*bangs head on desk, not hard though* So ANY suggestions on what to do. And oh to Rachel whom I think I scared off. Sorry, I was hyper and plz email me back what you think.AND OH YES to my reviewers do you think I should put a Jesse POV??Plz write what you think! And some love to Jennifer(), she has updated TWICE in one day.w00t!But she injured Jesse*sniffle* but he's a ghost, not like he could DIE again. Now the killing of Paul I could get used too... Rain)  
  
As soon as I got to Father Dominic's office I just blew off the top. Apparently I had been building alot of tension and suppressed anger-as my former therapist in New York would say-during my walk to the Mission. Poor old Father Dom didn't have a clue what had hit him. I began my rant:  
  
"Father Dominic, after all Jesse and I have been through, how COULD you suggest that Jesse just STAY AWAY FROM ME?" He started to say something but I didn't let him get to the second syllable.  
  
"I mean, I know Jesse and I have sort of a history, but you know Jesse would NEVER try to take advantage of me! He doesn't deserve to spend the last of his time on Earth in a rectory Father Dom and you know that! As many times as Jesse has had my back I thought it would have gotten through to you by now. But NO, you tell Jesse to stay away from me so I can try to live normally and fall for someone not dead. DON'T YOU!?!?Well it's too late. I'm not normal I never can nor will be. And I've already fallen for Jesse!" Oops.That was NOT the best thing to tell Father Dom straight out. But oh well he has had his share of unrequited love so why can't I? Therefore I continued my rage.  
  
"Besides Father Dom, what if Paul besides to come, oh I don't know try to rape me in my sleep. If Jesse's not there to help me out, then I just about done for! You can't tell Jesse to stay away from me! You just CANNOT!"  
  
I was on the verge of tears by then. And I knew just about anything would set me off. But then Father D. did the worst thing possible. Or rather he said the worst thing possible.  
  
"Susannah, I am so terribly sorry to inform you, but it was not me who suggested Jesse go away from you. On the contrary, it was Jesse himself."  
  
I stood there speechless for a while. I bet I looked so poised. RIGHT. Shock took over my entire body. The dam of tears broke. And my senses took over. I realized someone had been standing behind me. Probably my whole speech. Apparently that someone had materialized at the beginning of my yelling spat I began to understand with dread.  
  
But all I could get out after gapping-and probably catching some flies while doing so-was, "Jesse, he-I..but...I don-suggested it?"  
  
I slowly turned around around, not caring if he saw the pain in my eyes and face. I didn't want to hide it. I looked Jesse straight in the eyes. Which my eyes were flowing with tears. Then, just before I ran from the room, I whispered, "How could you?" Then I fled.  
  
*******************  
  
I didn't know where to go, I just kept running. But since I'm not that athletic of a person, I soon had to jog, then just walk wearly.I couldn't go to my house.Jesse would show up there.I just knew he would. It's a good long walk even if it was in the cool dark. I didn't trust the serenity of it all. Now I couldn't see the poison oak that lurked in clumps of weeds that were out to get me.  
  
I decided to call Adam to come get me. He was the obvious choice.Again.I couldn't call my parents or my lovely siblings to come get me. I would be criticized and ridiculed for doing all that in the first place.  
  
But when I get to a Safeway, who else do I see but my date for next Saturday, Jamie.Great.Just peachy.  
  
I tried to hide. I SWEAR I did. But he saw me before I could duck behind an aisle of canned food. Of course he came over too. No, he couldn't just be NORMAL and wave then walk away. Oh this was perfect. If Paul was here we could have a little party of 'people I didn't really want to see and be around right now.' Just great.  
  
"Susannah, how ya been?" he asked sweetly. Ok call me crazy, but I didn't really want anyone but Jesse to call me Susannah. Well, Jesse and Father D. that is.  
  
"Just call me Suze is that's ok." Is all I had to answer in return.  
  
"Ok then Suze, what have you been up too?" Ok, I just the guy yesterday afternoon. Not too much you can really do from then till now. But I didn't want to sound indignant. After all he WAS my date for next Saturday, so I simply said,  
  
"Oh not much really. Just hanging out around my house. How about you?" I WISH! But that was all I could come up with for a reply.  
  
"Well, not much, just learning where everything is really.''  
  
My brilliant reply was: "Oh," smart Suze.I decided that if I was going to talk to him, I might as well make it useful conversation.  
  
"Hey do you have a cellphone? I kinda need my friend to come get me." He only thought about his answer for what seemed only two seconds before answering. "No, sorry. But I could take you wherever you need to go to."  
  
I almost laughed out loud. But I suppressed my mirth. Well, I NEEDED to go far away from Jesse and this whole situation. Back to New York would be nice. But since it seemed like he wasn't ready to drive me all the way back to New York, I thought about what to do about his seemingly good- intentioned offer.  
  
I hardly knew him. Yet I was going on a date with him next week. I could use this little car trip to get to know him better too. And this would mean no questions whatsoever from Adam. But I still needed to ask CeeCee if it was ok if I crashed there for the night. Finally I gushed, "Oh thanks that would be so great if you could do that for me."  
  
On the way to CeeCee's I really began to know and like Jamie better. He was funny, smart, and didn't seem to either BE a psychopathic killer or have one stalking him. Plus he was from New York. A bonus. It meant he probably missed the bagels and all the public transportation just like I did. Which got me wondering, how did he learn to drive? Any sane person in New York took the subway or a taxi. So I asked. "If your from New York, how did you learn to drive?" He flustered a bit but answered, "Well I lived my whole life in New York City but the year before I moved out here I lived up in the Hamptons and the Upper East with my grandparents. Someone taught me to drive up there." Wow the Hamptons, his grandparents must be loaded. But I didn't pry.  
  
When we finally got to CeeCee's I vigorously thanked him for the ride and told him that I would see him Saturday. If we were still on for that. Which turns out we were. So I grabbed a pen and gave him my address. Then told him to give me a call before Saturday if he wanted. You know what? He didn't even try to make one move on me before I got out of the car. Not one. I almost leaned over and kissed him on the cheek just for that. Almost. But of course if he had tried to make a move I would have had to sock him in the jaw and bruise that perfect face. So it was so much better he hadn't made a move. So I walked up the path to CeeCee's door and with a wave to Jamie I turned and rang the doorbell.  
  
**************************  
  
CeeCee came to the door. I'm glad it wasn't all that late, otherwise I would have been really embarrassed. I put on my saddest-look at me I'm desperate of somewhere to stay please let me come in-face and said, " Hey, can I crash here tonight?" CeeCee is absolutely the best friend anyone can have. See understood I was desperate for somewhere to stay but wasn't sure why. And that I didn't feel like answering questions right now. Although I knew I would pay for it later. So she nodded and let me in. She didn't ask one question on why I was staying there for the night. Then she started asking if I wanted a shower now or in the morning. I could of hugged her. I went with the alternative statement at the moment. "I have to call my Mom and tell them I staying here tonight. I just told her I was going to the Mission."  
  
Thank goodness my Mom was ok with it. I would have to ask CeeCee if I could borrow an outfit to wear tomorrow in a minute.....  
  
*******************************  
  
The next day went fine thankfully. No calls to the principals office to rub in the callousness of the whole situation. And thank God I didn't bump into Paul the entire day. Well, except for when he winked at me in the hall. Ugh.  
  
I intentionally stalled going home, just in case Jesse was going to be there. Which he was. Going to be there I mean. I asked CeeCee and Adam if they wanted to go to the Coffee Clutch, but much to my dismay, they BOTH couldn't go. Great, I have to go home then.  
  
After Jake brought us home-which, took much less time than I liked I normally expected a car ride to be- I dragged and delayed going up to my room all I could. I hung out with David a bit-not to mention he helped me with my Trig homework-and actually talked with Andy. I think my Mom would have been proud if she had been home yet. Yes, I was desperate to avoid my room. I shouldn't of had to. In my defense, is completely unfair. After all it is my room. I shouldn't have to avoid it like it was poison oak. But yet here I was talking to Andy about my day.  
  
Finally I tediously dragged myself up to my room. Slowly taking the stairs one at a time. I edged open my door. Intent on doing so very quietly so that at the slightest sign of Jesse, I could bolt back downstairs and refuse entrance to my room. I poked my head in. No sign of Jesse. But just to be on the safe side, I tiptoed to my bathroom. Making sure I made very little noise as possible. Thankfully I had remembered to grab some comfortable clothes to change into. Then I turned on the shower.  
  
When I got out of the shower I had a very startling thought. I suddenly realized Jesse wouldn't show up. I mean, he didn't want to come around me anymore, so why would he care or even bother to come check and see about how he went and hurt me. And how badly he had hurt me. He obviously didn't love me. He wouldn't have told Father Dom all of this if he did. It meant he couldn't stand to even be around me anymore. And that he felt sorry for me so he thought he would just get away from me know and force me to fall for someone else. Maybe I could fall for Paul. That might spark SOMETHING in him. No, I couldn't fall for Paul. I hated him too much.  
  
Right now I wished I could hate him. Jesse I mean. I really did. But I couldn't, because I loved him. So I just couldn't hate him. And yes, the fact that he never wanted to see me again proved that he didn't like me or would ever love me now. And that those kisses, those spine-tingling kisses, were some kind of sick joke. I couldn't handle that. I was so dumb as to fall for a ghost. I should have known better. I really should of. I am so pathetically stupid.  
  
I finally cautiously emerged from my bathroom. No Jesse, good. Because as much as I might want to cry my sad woes to Father Dominic, I would be VERY rude and malevolent to Jesse. After all, he did break my heart. The thing is, I never could figure out why I liked Jesse so much. I mean yeah he is REALLY hott, but I'm not shallow like that. There are other reasons I like Jesse too. He is sweet and protective and all. But I never can figure out just why I like him so much. I don't question stuff like that.Fate.Destiny.I just let attraction take it's course. I mean Maybe fate decided to give me these abilities just so I could met Jesse. But then again Jesse doesn't like me so that ruins it all.  
  
I had a few minutes to read and such before dinner. So I settled down with a new issue of Seventeen, and started reading an article about how to find out if he really likes you, or if he is just messing with your head. Ha, I thought, if only these things applied to guys circa 1850.  
  
As I was getting content and enveloped in the article, I finally noticed Spike had come in and had started to purr loudly like a car engine. I suddenly got up very fast with a very malicious look on my face, ready to bolt. But I didn't get the chance. Why couldn't I have been RIGHT about Jesse not going to show up? For once why couldn't I of been right??  
  
Ever so slowly, a ghost materialized on my window seat with a very remorseful look on his face. Then Jesse said very causally, "Hello Susannah." 


	6. The Pain

(A/N: See! It was very fast! And this is long!Mwuahaha!Like really long though.Ok.Thanks for all the reviews! REALLY! Now I have a little score to settle with genies9.WHY HAVEN'T YOU UPDATED REVELATIONS!WHY!?!?!*glares* Maybe I should do something drastic! Like not update for months!Ok.Better now. And bunny girl. She better'd update too! Those are the ones I could think of off the top of my head. Especially genies9 because she hasn't updated in FOREVER!Yes.So would somebody PLZ tell me if I should put Jesse POV?PLZ!And Rachel, no matter what I do, to everyone else it seems to be a cliffy! I guess that's because only I know what's going to happen next.Hehe.And cliffs keep em' guessin! Ok, on with the show.)  
  
I glared at him with all the anger I could possibly combine. "What do you think your doing here Jesse?" I said rather icily, "If you haven't noticed this is MY room now, and since you are to stay away from me. So would you be so kind as to stick to your resolutions?" Then I gave him a death stare. "Susannah," he pleaded, "don't be like this, surely you know this is for the bett-" Do you really think I let him finish THAT statement?? "I suggest," I said again rather coldly, "you get out, NOW. You don't want to make Father Dominic think you've been led astray in the rectory now, do you?" For some odd reason, Jesse had a pained look on his face. As if this was painful for HIM.HA!But I didn't care. I just kept on. "I'm out of your life Jesse! You don't have to deal with me anymore, happy now!?!I won't be some big load of trouble you have to deal with. I won't bother you anymore.OK.I get it! That's what you want, isn't it!?! Ok, so I was really mad, ok? But I can say it really shocked me by what he said next. "Susannah, you know I am not happy when I am not with you. I...I am happiest when I'm with you," he said rather uncomfortably.  
  
Wait, whoa, did he REALLY just say he was happiest with me? I was more than a little confused now. "Wha- I...yo-...you are??"  
  
"Of course Susannah, so you really must see that it really IS better this way." Ok, THAT got me started again. All my happiness was washed away. All I wanted to do was scream," It's not better this way! It's better when your here, with me! Particularly when your here, kissing me!" But I didn't. Of course I didn't. All I said was, "No, I really don't see. Could you please explain it to me?" Did I mention I said that wickedly innocent? To show Jesse I was really pissed. I guess I got my point across. Jesse kind of stuttered over what he said next, "Well, you uh, see -" He only got that much out-rather difficultly might I add-before he had to stop because the next thing I knew, Brad was pounding at my door, shouting that it was time for dinner. I turned slightly towards the door-blocking Jesse from my line of sight-to yell at him back to go away because I would be right down. And when I turned back, Jesse was gone.  
  
I let out a silent scream and mouthed 'men' to myself. Damn Jesse! Why does he always have to disappear on me like that?? I had half a mind to call him back here right now. But I didn't. Why subject myself to more hardship? I'm such a wimp. It's a sad day when Susannah Simon can't take on a ghost. I went down to dinner. As soon as I appeared in the doorway my Mom came over and kissed me on the forehead, asking me, "How was your day Suzie?" Then proceeded on to the kitchen to get the mashed potatoes.  
  
Instead of REALLY telling her what was going on and what a crappy time I'd been having, I simply replied, "Oh, it was fine Mom." Just to keep her happy. I loved my Mom. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea and think that I was getting back into my old habits from back in New York again or anything.  
  
I sat through a pleasant meal of roasted turkey, mashed potatoes, and rolls. I didn't have much to say in the dinner conversations. All I could think of was about Jesse. He liked being with me? That had to mean something.Right??Even though he was dreadfully cruel and told Father Dom he was going to stay away from me. It still gave me hope. I liked being with me! I liked it the most! Over anything else! Then again, maybe that was because I was the only female he had been in contact with in over 150 years. I let that thought sink in sadly. That's what it was. It had to be. I cursed myself for being so stupid as to think he really liked me. Even the tiniest bit.I am so freaking stupid. It was all I could think about as I finished up my strawberry shortcake and sprinted up my stairs to my room. Lucky me, Jesse was there.Again.Oh joy. "Ok, since I get such a pleasure of your company, please tell me what you were saying, or about to say before you politely disappeared on me." I saw Jesse cringe at the way I said 'pleasure of your company.' Serves him right.  
  
"Querida, it really IS complicated. Need we be having this conversation?" I just stared. "Yes, we need to have this conversation! I want to know and I want to know now! It's bad enough I had to find out from Father Dominic it was you who brought on the whole situation of never seeing me again. So I want to know NOW." I continued to stare him down with a look of pure hatred. Not to say that I really hated Jesse. But not even those liquid dark eyes or every uncavaderous abs that peeked through his shirt could make me melt and give way NOW.  
  
Jesse's face suddenly held a look of deep concern and regret. "Susannah. It cannot go on this way. If I kept living here..." he trailed off, but quickly regained his thought. "It CANNOT continue this way. This is how it must be. I must get out of your life. Why do you not understand? I am just a nuisance. I hold you back. You can't live normally with me here! You need to continue with your life, without me."  
  
That one sentence-just that one simple sentence-had enough power and impact to shatter my whole world as I knew it. Without Jesse!?!?He was about the sanest thing in my life right now! He was the only thing I could count on. He had saved me so many times. How could I ever go one without him?!?But Jesse wasn't done stomping on my already broken and bleeding heart yet, oh no.  
  
"This is hard for me too Susannah, please believe it. But I am just a bother. It is best this way. You deserve so much more." Better than Jesse? I didn't think that could be accomplished. The look of concern on his face only deepened. I was about to cry. I just knew it. And I also knew it showed. Father Dominic would be furious if he thought I wad using my 'feminine wiles' against Jesse. But still, all I could get out before a single tear slid down my cheek was, "I don't see how this is better for me. It's not better." Forget 'feminine wiles' I had to tell him. And all of it came out. Well, at least the part where I thought it wasn't right. "Jesse, you don't mess up my life, you make it better. Your probably the sanest thing I have going for me right now. I can always count on you to be there for me. And I know I don't always show it but I really appreciate that. I just don't get how it's better that way. I just don't." Then that single teardrop turned into two teardrops, then three, then too many to count. Jesse hurried over to where I had ended up sitting on my bed. He looked at me sadly. "Querida, please don't cry." And with that he took me into his arms and made very soothing noises. I'm pretty sure he kissed the top of my head too. But it didn't take long for me to settle down. All I wanted was for Jesse to just hold me there for awhile. Which he did. It was Jesse who finally spoke though.  
  
"Susannah, I l-" but he never did get to finish that sentence. Because my mother had to ruin the moment. She yelled up the stairs that there was a phone call for me. I jumped up. This is why I need a cellphone I thought right when she said, "It's some boy Suzie. He says his name is Jamie. And that you met at the mall. Is this true Suze? He said something about this Saturday. Do you have a date with this boy Suzie?" I could just see the look on her face as I bean to turn a nice shade of crimson. She was overly excited to have me have a date. I turned towards the door-Jesse had let me out of his cozy embrace when my mother first began screeching at me and killed whatever Jesse and I just had-and hoped that Jesse had politely dematerialized like he normally does. Then yelled back, "Uh, yeah Mom. Uh- it's a guy I met at the mall. I'm going out with him...umm...Saturday." With a grim look I turned-still hoping Jesse had gone-to look where Jesse had been last originally. But saw I had no such luck and Jesse had not disappeared as I had hoped. No, he was standing there with one of those unreadable expressions on his face. So I went for the smart decision. I got away from Jesse, fast. I ran down the stairs-barely being able to stop myself from tripping over Max-and then went and picked up the phone.  
  
"Hello?" I let out a long breathe.  
"Hey Suze, how ya been?"  
"Oh, just great been uh, wonderful."  
"Oh well. That's nice. Are we still on for Saturday night?"  
"Uh...Yeah...Yes.Yes we are. Can't wait."  
"Ok, well I'll pick you up at 7, sound good to you Suze?"  
"Yes, that sounds just fine."  
"Ok then. Bye.''  
"Bye"  
  
I wasn't sure what to do next as I slowly put down the phone. As it turns out I didn't have a choice. Right when I got off the phone my Mom approached me. "So Suzie, how come you didn't tell me you had a date?" THIS is why I thought as she made me tell her every single detail I could remember about Jamie. Which was easy really. All I had to do was think about Jesse.Jesse.I felt my heart twinge. He had heard what I said. And what my Mom had said. I knew he was going to be mad. More than mad.Furious.But so what! He didn't like me. And I didn't belong to him! Yet I felt kinda bad all the same. But I knew I had to face him all the same. So when my mother was done interrogating me, I walked to the stairs and slowly went up them, one at a time.  
  
When I emerged into my room, Jesse wasn't there. But someone else was.  
  
(A/N:Hehe, and you all thought that was goin to be a cliffie! DIDN'TYOU!?!?!)  
  
"Hi dad." I went over and gave him a hearty hug. "Long time no see." He just gave me a look. "How have you been Suze?"  
  
"Oh fine. Everything's been just great." I don't know how much of that he could tell was forced to sound cheerful. I am such a liar.  
  
''Now Suze, you know that isn't true. I know what's been going on. Especially with that Paul guy."  
  
My dad said Paul with almost as much distaste as I normally said it. Oh crap. Did he know what happened at Paul's house too? Nonetheless I was proud. "Well dad, if you know what's going on, then you know I had no choice in the matter. He's the one who applied to MY school. I had no say in the matter. Because if I had....well Paul would have stayed away." And most likely with a broken nose I added silently. Still I hoped that's all my dad knew about.  
  
"Suze that's not all I'm talking about either. You should have guessed by now. I'm talking about Jesse." Oh God not THIS again. "DAD! What else do I need to do to prove to you and convince you that Jesse's intentionsof me are anything less than honorable!?!?" Unfortunately and much to my dismay he didn't anyways. Probably never did and never will I thought sadly. But my dad caught me a little off guard when he said, "No Suze, it's not that either. You can't go on loving Jesse, Suze. You need to move on to someone LIVING." Hold on now. WHAT!?! How did my DAD know I loved Jesse? HOW?!? He is, more than less, always gone and is never there when I REALLY need him. Only Jesse is. I walked over to my for poster bed slowly then sat down heavily. I guess the concern, anger, and mostly shock must have showed on my face because my dad said, "Suzie, it's unhealthy to love someone no longer living. Go on and find someone to love that can love you back, properly." He said that last word with alot of emphasis. Well, that was a load of crap. "Dad, your dead, and I still love YOU, so what's the difference really?" He gave me a harsh, stern look. "Now Susannah, you know what I mean. Cut the sarcasm." I just let it drop. No use arguing. He was using his don't-question-me- tone. I just hoped he hadn't told Jesse that I loved him or anything. How embarrassing would THAT be? And for him to find out from my dad no less. I shuddered at the thought.  
  
"Um dad, you didn't uh...TELL Jesse I loved him, did you? Because that would be really embarrassing and all. For him to find out from my dad." My dad just stood there. Taking in what I just said. Then his eyes widened and looked at me incredulously. "Suze, " he just stared. Dumbfounded. "Wha-he...doesn't KNOW!?!?" Oops.Smart Suze real smart. But now it was my turn to be dumbfounded. I was in trouble now. I decided to question my dad. "What do you mean he doesn't know?!? Of COURSE he doesn't know! Why would I tell him?!?" Then I gave him my best-are you really THAT mental-look. He gave me a look back. "Susannah, the way you are. I'd thought you had told him by now. I mean, your attitude, how you act...You must have really changed since New York Suze." Yeah, I thought bitterly. I have changed. Only you couldn't of known because your never here.  
  
"Well, yeah, I guess I have changed. I mean it was a new start. I wanted to at least try to be normal for once Dad." "And I understand that Suze." Somehow I doubted that. "But your life would be more towards normal if you get over Jesse." I couldn't believe this. Jesse, Father Dominic and my DAD were all telling me to move on. Well, Father D. didn't exactly tell me but I knew he was going to. But all I wanted was to just stay this way, with Jesse here with me. But no, that wasn't going to happen. Why? Because I am a mediator that's why.  
  
"Daddy," I used that form of Dad because it always made him go soft. "Why can't you see I want things to stay the way they are. Or were. I want Jesse to stay with me. Because I-" I had to stop abruptly. For that certain host I had just been talking about began to materialize next to my dad.  
  
(A/N:Ok sorry.I just couldn't think of anything else to put.I have major writer's block. Be lucky I got this far. Anybody that has any idea's plz. tell me. I need them right now. Thanks!) 


	7. The Heartache

A/N: Sorry guyz for taking so long. Know you hate that. I've been lazy with this and just haven't had time to update. But I'll try to get better I swear. Please don't hurt me! I've turned into the person that annoys me. The person that does about 5 or 6 chapters then just stops! Hehe. Review and tell me what you think and what you think should happen. BTW-Merry Christmas! And Happy Hanukah.*  
That was so like Jesse, to barge in on an important moment. Especially when it was with my dad! Finally it all got to me. I mean you would lose it too if you would-be-boyfriend decides to never see you again, then says he's happiest with that person he can't see ever again, and then my DAD of all people shows up and tells me to let the aforementioned guy go too.  
  
Well, anyways you would be a tiny bit stressed too.  
  
So I just let a strangled scream come out of my mouth and grit out of my clenched teeth, "What more do you people want from me? The REST of my sanity?!?" Ok ok, so maybe it was a bit dramatic but hey, after the day I had been having, I felt I deserved to act spoiled and selfish. Meanwhile during my bratty little episode, Jesse had walked over to my dad and had begun to talk to him.  
  
When I finally noticed I vocalized my utter disapproval about the whole thing. "Well I'm glad you both care so much about my well-being.'' I'm pretty sure that by now my face was a shadow of pure venom. I know my dad and Jesse looked up skittishly in attention anyways. So I was pleased to have gotten through to them.  
  
"Excuse me, but would someone please tell me why and a 150 year-old ghost are conversing in my bedroom without my consent?!?''  
At that point and time my dad choices to mumble something unintelligible and Jesse mutters just loud enough to be audible about hell having no fury like a woman's hatred under his breath while I continue to glare at them equally.  
  
Finally I break the awkward silence. "You know what I don't care. I just really don't. I just wanna go to bed now. Is that ok with you both??'' I dared them without words to say something. But in response to my commentation they disappear.  
  
I'm not quite sure how I made it to bed that night. All I remember is waking up with just enough time to throw on some clothes for school. I did notice that my windows had been shut though.  
  
My day proved to not get any worse but nor any better as I progressed to school. And I'm still not sure how I managed to get through till the end of the week. And no Jesse sightings. But its all a blur for me but I distinctively remember Adam telling me I better share whatever I smoked, cuz my buzz apparently still wasn't gone.  
  
Friday I came home relieved that I had the whole weekend ahead of me to procrastinate my homework. And I enjoyed the rest of my evening ghost and also stress free. I even had time to paint my nails! But around 7 after dinner my mother called me back downstairs.  
  
When I walked into her room I soon realized this is going to be a mother-daughter chat. Because Andy is not in the room with us. I settle in the vanity chair.  
  
"So whets up Mom?" I ask oh-so casually.  
  
"Well honey, see the thing is..." And this is where her voice breaks. At this point I realize this won't be good news. Not a good chat. At all. A tear rolls down my mother's face. And I can't stand it anymore. Can't stand to see my mother suffer. But it's killing me so I ask quietly, "What is it Mom? What's wrong?"  
  
"Oh Suzie," she sobs out. I rise to go and comfort her. I begin to awkwardly pat her on the back. Hey, I never said I was the touchy-feely type.  
  
My mother suddenly remembers her purpose and regains her composure. Kinda. Not really.  
  
"Suzie, the thing is....your grandmother..." Oh god, what has happened? I become frantic.  
"Mom, MOM! What is it? Tell me please!" I'm so frightened now. It can't be helped either. Because my grandmother is a strong woman. And if something could happen to her... I don't want to think about it.  
  
Slowly I repeat, "Mom, tell me what's wrong with Grams. PLEASE.''  
  
My mom looks up, eyes filled with tears, and I guess she saw the raw terror in my eyes and all the concern in my voice so she finally croaks out, "Oh honey, you grandmother, she well...There was some noise going on down on the ground floor and she knew it was trouble, so she went to tell whoever it was that she could sue for whatever reason in a New York minute if they didn't clear out. She told them she would personally too on account of her being a lawyer. Apparently there was a drive by...and she was shot."  
  
At that point two things happen: my mom falters, and I freeze. Totally stop all movement and suck in my breath. What does this mean? I plead silently for my Grandmother to be ok.  
  
"Is she going to be alright? She is, isn't she?" But deep down I know drive-bys don't usually end well.  
  
My mom looked grief-stricken. "They don't think she'll make it. She's in intensive care. Critical condition. She's very lucky to be alive as it is. Suze you and I are flying out Sunday to be with her as long as possible. Pack as much as you might need. I don't know when we will be back."  
  
At this point my mother grabs me into a tight embrace. For right now, I let her. I remain calm. If I don't, no one will. I love my mom, she deserves better than this.  
  
When I finally get in my room, its much later and I have a sense of purpose, to pack. I barely have my suitcase out before I collapse in a heap, tears streaming down my face. I sit there like that for awhile, but then I get up and stumble around like a drunk looking for the one thing I need the most right now and I find it packed under some old junk in a jewelry box. I cradle it in my arms, letting tears burn paths down my cheeks for awhile, unable to stop. I'm not quite sure when Jesse appeared, but when I finally looked I saw him staring at me. Looking afraid.  
  
I knew I had to look like a mess. My hair tousled and my makeup smudged from crying. Finally I broke his gaze by putting my head in my hands and rocking back and forth, crying silently. I heard concern in Jesse's voice as he rushed to comfort me.  
  
"Susannah, are you alright? Has Slater harmed you? I swear on my grave I will hurt that..." But I cut him off by my impulse grasping at him. It hushes him instantly.  
  
So there we sat, him holding desperately onto me. In fear of what I might tell him. Finally I let go of him and show him my beloved object of affection I had searched desperately for earlier.  
  
"Who is this?" he asks as he studies the picture. "You?" he points to the 7 year old me.  
  
"Yeah my grandmother and me when I was 7." That picture was taken at a happy time in my life. It showed on my face in the picture too.  
  
"Why are you upset Susannah? Why were you crying?" So I tell him the story. By the end tears are threatening to flow. I curse myself as one escapes down my cheek. Jesse smoothes it away. And this time he grabs me and holds me tight. Murmuring that it will all be alright. And that's what I fell asleep too. To my amazement, when I awoke, Jesse was still there.  
  
He looked up when he noticed I was awake. I was still in his arms. He smiled sheepishly. "You were sleeping so peacefully, I didn't want to wake you." I would have smiled and questioned him about it but everything came flooding back to me. It was Saturday. I only had one day to pack for God knows how long.  
  
I figured I better tell Jesse sooner or later that I was leaving. I kinda omitted that part last night. He still had his arms around me, afraid I might bawl at any given moment I suppose. I didn't want to interrupt this cozy scene but...I began to speak, "Jesse..." but I trailed off. I was supposed to be mad at him. For him leaving and what he had done and is still doing to my heart. But all my anger just melted away when he was touching me. I tried to push his arms off me. But he held tight.  
  
"Susannah, I am very sorry if I have upset you in any way."  
  
Ok, this is the part where I just might get mad again. Here he goes and ruins a good moment. Even though I was about to do the same seconds before him. So I get sassy, "Oh, so you think its just oh so best for me without you is that it? Hrmm!?!"  
  
Now I was struggling pretty hard to get away. But he wouldn't let me go. And I don't know why. Normally he was embarrassed to even brush against me! Finally I broke down and my anger subsided. It was all too much.  
  
"Jesse don't leave me. I don't understand why your doing this to me." My face fell blank with pain. Because at this time my heart gave a painful twinge. Like it was breaking. How ironic... 


End file.
